The JPD

Why We Don’t Say “No” More Often

(You can click the “Play” button in the player below to listen to the audio. Or read the transcribed text below the player.)

Have you caught yourself overwhelmed, drained, or feeling more obligated than motivated to help others?

Oftentimes, when we get to this point, we ask ourselves, “How did I ever get to this??”

Just as often, we can trace back our getting to this breaking point to all the people and projects we said “Yes” to, just because we felt we couldn’t say “No.”

Why We Don’t Say “No” More Often

“No” tends to get a bad rap. No one wants to be known as the person who is “uncooperative” or “not a team player” or “asocial,” just because you declined one too many times.

The social stigma around saying “No” is that we’re only using “No,” because there was no alternative to “Yes.” If I could have responded with some words other than “No,” then I would have used them instead. This idea is so ingrained in us that, indeed, this is what we sometimes still try to do. Instead of just saying “No,” and leaving it at that, we feel the necessity to add justification or regret, because we certainly wouldn’t want to seem too happy, smug or secure while declining.

Some examples:

“I can’t – because I’m already committed to something else at that time.”
“No - but I really wanted to.”
“I would - but I’m swamped.”
And the classic: “I’m washing my hair that night.”

But notice how we don’t usually feel the need to justify saying “Yes.”

The truth of the matter is that one honest “No” is worth more than a thousand fake “Yes’s.”

While we all want to hear “Yes” to every request we make, we also know the deadly aftermath of the “Yes” that never had any commitment behind it – the “Yes” that had been a “No” all along.

Becoming Aware of Your Present Behaviour

If you’re starting to wonder just why you don’t say “No” more often, consider how you feel today when someone says “No” to one of your requests.

• Is “No” uncomfortable for you to hear?
• Does “No” feel better when a person provides a reason why not?
• Does it somehow feel like a personal rejection, even when you know they’re rejecting the request, not rejecting you?

When a project or request that you know you should decline comes across your desk, do you find yourself putting off having to break the bad news? Do you wait to see if it will blow over?

Is saying “No” easier or more difficult, depending on who’s asking something from you? With family? With business associates?

When you get a request, imagine yourself responding with “No.” Notice your behaviour, your physical reactions, and your emotional reactions in everyday situations where “No” is involved, and you’ll discover some keys to any hangups around rejection.

Rehearsing “No” - An Exercise in Saying “No”

Listen to the audio version here, or scroll down for the transcribed text. If you don’t have a partner handy, you can use the audio to rehearse by yourself.

All uncomfortable situations become easier to handle as we become practiced in them. Just like rehearsal for a play, we can rehearse hearing and saying “No” in situations that are less significant, so that it’s not as shocking when we have to say “No” in situations where it counts.

Here’s my exercise for rehearsing “No,” and even become more aware of your current reactions to “No.”

Work with a partner or a friend. Remember that the automatic answer to the next ten questions is “No.” You can say “No” in whatever variations you like (i.e.: “Definitely not,” “Certainly not,” etc.), but resist being apologetic and resist justifying your “No.”

Ask your friend the first five questions, and hear them say “No” to you. Then have your friend ask you questions 6-10, and decline all five questions.

1.  
   1. Can you spot me $5?
   2. Would you put the dishes away?
   3. Would you take notes for this meeting?
   4. Do you like asparagus?
   5. Would you like to see the dessert menu?
   6. When are you going to lunch?
   7. So can I sign you up for this committee?
   8. What’s the last movie you saw?
   9. Can I count on your vote?
   10. Can I get that by noon?

Note what you did when you heard and said “No.” If you’re working with a friend, you may be able to share your observations of each other during this exercise.

Feel free to share your experience here, or by emailing me at TheJPD@tumblr.com

Success in 21 Days

It takes 21 consecutive days of doing something in order for it to become a habit.

I have heard of this. I have even suggested it to clients and friends. But I am going to admit to something right now:

I have never consciously done it - and succeded.

I have consciously started new habits several times. Some habits just caught on and I didn’t know why or how, in the same way that other habits seem to disappear. When I add an improvement, I keep doing it until it doesn’t work anymore. And I figure if it fades off, it just wasn’t serving a purpose anymore. I try not to sweat about it too much.

However, as an Investigator of Living (Note: a self-proclaimed title. Feel free to proclaim it for yourself as well, if you dare, for it does come with certain responsibilities. More on that another time.), I want to know that I can do something for 21 consecutive days and what helps me to do it:

• What makes it easier or more difficult
• What kinds of encouragement are most effective
• What stimuli are most discouraging
• How does a person keep creating success for themselves
• What’s the necessity of an actual end-goal vs. the desire to continue

Have you created a habit in 21 days? What helped you? What made it work for you? Please share your comments and suggestions here!